i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
