if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
