i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
