I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
