Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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