i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
