Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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