I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
