I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
