yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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