I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
