Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
