I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
