Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
