Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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