i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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