Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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