But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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