so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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