I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
