I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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