I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
