my phone needs a breathalizer
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize