I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize