i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
