2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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