I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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