not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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