Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
