god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize