So drunk its hurt
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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