She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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