heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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