I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize