at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
