be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
