i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
