____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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