Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
