New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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