I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i believe in u and ur pee
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
