dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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