dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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