you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
