you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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