I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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