Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
