sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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