oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
