So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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