That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
