Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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