Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
