Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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