i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
