I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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