I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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